The abandoned warehouse falls into complete silence. Suddenly, the ultimate Soviet sex symbol, Milla Jovovich, bursts forth from a wooden crate, butt cheeks trembling as she grins at the sight of the 20 dumbfounded Russian gangsters in the middle of their weekly drug deal and proceeds to whoop their asses in her uber-tight pants. That’s a pretty spectacular show, wouldn’t you agree? But you know what the best part is? After she’s done kicking ass in those “sex kitten” leather pants, she’s gonna go home with you, make you a mean pot roast and watch with a sense of utter admiration as you drunkenly scream at the Manchester United-Liverpool game on TV.
That’s the dream. But what’s the actual likelihood of it coming true? Why, it’s as likely as Simeon Sakskuborgotsky “fixing” Bulgaria in 800 days – delusional bullshit. Then why do you still believe in the fierce, yet obedient chick from your fantasies, bro? Don’t worry, you’re not alone, you dreaming bastard. Us Eastern European women are pretty fed up of being held to completely unrealistic, stupidly controversial expectations. On one hand, we’ve got our men who expect us to clean our Skopje home spotless, whip up a turli tava and coquettishly ask what else we can do to serve them. On the other hand, we’ve got the more sexually timid Westerners picturing us as long-legged goddesses playing with chains and whips in their spare time, after they’re done posing nude for magazines or partying on yachts with mobsters. I’ve had Americans ask me whether I was a Russian sleeper from a sexy spy army (I’m not even Russian, guys), while Slovak bros were interested in whether I can make a kapustnica like their mom does and how many kids I was planning on having. Both questions pretty much obliterated all my faith in the male species.
What’s even worse is that all men out there seem to think that Eastern European women would squeeze them out to the last time and then move on. I wrote an article not too long ago, entitled 11 Reasons You Should Never Date a Bulgarian Woman, an obviously humorous piece, listing cultural traits that actually make us appealing because of our cultural quirks. Half of the 10,000 people who read the piece didn’t seem to get the idea at all. Comments such as “Bulgarian women are gold diggers” and “most prostitutes are Eastern European” clashed with the “these women are all village brutes” misconception, further illustrating the dominatrix VS, sheepish husband-pleaser discrepancy. Truth is, our aspirations are pretty simple. We’d like to get a good education and a successful career, coupled with some world travel and a decent boyfriend who’s not a clueless moron. Isn’t that what any woman out there wants? Why the obsession with Eastern Europeans?
Enlighten me, dear men: how do we reconcile this chasm? How do we bridge the fetish skin-tight jumpsuit ninja hottie with the quiet, submissive home-maker? Unlike the Stepford Wives, there isn’t a tiny, golden remote that can flip my switch to the whim of your demanding finger. My advice to you is to take reality for what it is – we, Eastern European women, are strong and independent, looking out for ourselves first; just like you do. We aren’t here to satisfy your sick fetishes or to slave away for you, so kiss your ludicrous ideas do svidaniya.
This article was originally published on No-YoLo